Infertility

We’ve been trying for a year.

If it worked straight away, I would be complaining of sleepless nights and sore boobs right about now. Instead we are booking doctors appointments to find out what is happening.

I don’t know what they are going to say. I honestly don’t mind either way, it’s just time we know now. So we can plan our family together, what ever that looks like.

It excites me that our children could be out there now, living and breathing and needing us now.

It sure is becoming a momentous year for us, in every which way.

 

Feelings on Father’s Day

How am I doing this year?
I’ve been thinking about Dad extra amounts this week. More has reminded me of him. I’ve felt quieter and more subdued. I’ve been nervous about how today would be. 

This morning I’m trying to keep busy, but also keep in mind the knowledge that I can still celebrate Fathers Day. I have a wonderful Dad, that in twenty six years with me, gave me a wonderful childhood, advice and so much love. 

Looking forward, this time next year, we will be celebrating Father’s Day in a different way. We will be parents, caring for our gorgeous little boy or girl. A child far less fortunate than myself, in regards to parenting. Jim will step into that role. He will be wonderful. He is so much like my own Dad. 

Please don’t feel sorry for me, or any other grieving children today. Just promise me you will spend time with your own Dad’s while you still have the chance.

Do I even want children?

It’s a funny old thing.

Being 27, married, lovely house, two spare rooms, spare money… surely now is the perfect time for a little one?

Do you know what, it probably is. 

But is that because I want it or because society tells me that’s what I want? That’s ‘the next thing’, you know?

I’m really not sure on that one.

And I’ve never been good at following rules!

Something inside of me is saying, don’t be conventional. Don’t have a child because it’s what they want. What they expect. What happens once your married, with a house and a good job. Because it’s ‘the done thing.’ Because everyone else is. why?

Maybe I’m supposed to teach?Foster? Adopt? 

I feel like I am.

It excites me so much more than the idea of having my own and it always has.

The thought that our children could be born now, they might need us now, it breaks my heart. I want to find them and keep them safe and love them and show them.

If we foster we could parent lots of children. Make a difference to lots of families. Support them through life’s struggles, help them stay together.

The idea of this gives me flutters. 

They need us.

Why should I think the only way to truly be a parent is to have my own, because that’s what society is telling me.

I say no.

And not because I can or can’t have my own, but because they exist. They exist in the world. They are here, born, needing me now. 

How can I ignore that? How can I start my perfect biological happy family when they need me? 

In an ideal world, foster care and adoption wouldn’t exist.

These have suffered more hurt than I will ever truly understand.

It’s just not fair. 

I want,

no I need to do something.

Yes okay I hear you, I could have my happy biological children, play happy families for a while and then foster or adopt, but why? 

Because that’s the normal thing to do? Because the only reason we’re put on this earth is to reproduce? Because I won’t find true happiness unless I have my own?

I say bull shit.

I’m not saying it’s for everyone. I’m not saying you should feel guilty. I’m not saying either way is right or wrong.

It’s just right and wrong for me. 

Do you know what, I might end up following the norm. This could all be hot air. 

I could try fostering, it could all be too difficult, too hard, too emotional.

But I’m going to try.

I have to give it a go.

Otherwise how will I know?

I hope this has made you think. And helps you understand where I’m at. 

So that next time you say “it’l be your turn next” you are prepared for my pretentious and well thought out answer.

πŸ˜‰

Stars and bright lights ✨ 

It’s another first in our household. My darling Dad would have turned 50 today. 

We’ll be thinking of you as we watch the bright lights under the stars tonight.

I don’t believe you are looking down on me, but I know I will be thinking about you. 

I don’t think I have ever had bonfire night without you. It’s usually a night filled with friends, family and fun games that you organise.

Last year was no different, this year is a little different.

It will be a quieter celebration this year. I am hoping to stand by the bonfire and feel warmth both inside and out.

My last post was an angry one, but I have felt peaceful since posting it. 

I feel content today. I didn’t think I would but am pleased I do.

I can only wish the same for loved ones around me.

Have a wonderful bonfire night my friends.

✨

Being a Mummy.

So I keep seeing these ‘Proud to be a Mum’ posts on my wall.

They are lovely. I am pleased you are proud. You should be.

I just can’t help thinking about all of the women (and men for that matter) that are trying so desperately to be parents.

These posts must be so hurtful to see. Like motherhood is some exclusive club they aren’t invited to.

In fact, I think part of me is hurt by them.

 

I think what bothers me is that this one I keep seeing asks for a photo. Like you have to have photo evidence for it to count?

But… Let’s just say….

what if you were pregnant, but lost your baby before birth, you would not necessarily have photo evidence, but you still have a right to call yourself aΒ mother.

What if your child has died or been abducted? You may not be able to kiss them goodnight, but you still have the right to call yourself a mother.

What if you devote your whole life to helping others. Serving the poor or caring for the needy. You would not have your own children, but you still have a right toΒ call yourself aΒ mother.

You could be so desperately trying for that positive test, wanting and wishing, being turned down at every avenue.Β You may not be ‘successful’ yet, but you still have a right to call yourself aΒ mother.

Or….Like me, you may have ten beautiful and very special children in your care. You not only teach them but love them unconditionally and are devoted to them and their families. I may not be allowed to post photos on Facebook of these utterly gorgeous children, but I still have a right to call myself a mother.

It is the unconditional love you feel for others.

It is the devotion to serve.

It is unrelenting care you give.

 

This is being a mother.

 

So from one mother to another, stand proud and own this title….

 

because you earned it.