Today is the day we meet our son

I have purposely not written lengthy blog posts about our journey since meeting him. I have given little hints on Instagram. The fact is, this is not my story to tell.

I didn’t think it fair that you guys knew things that he didn’t. He got told about us yesterday. I have no idea how he took the news. We meet him today, again I have no idea how we are going to be received. We’re prepared for the worst.

Foster care isn’t slow motions runs at each other with open arms. Foster care is cautious and heartbreaking. It’s confusing and just so darn hard. It’s joyful too, hopefully. All mixed into a muddy mess.

I can’t wait to see his face, having still never seen a photo, I’m desperate to see if my image of him is anywhere close. I can’t wait to hear his voice, see his mannerisms, start to learn him. Heck, start to love him.

Jim and I are nervous. We’re setting ourselves up. We’re both determined for this to work in the long term, in the short term our plan is to go with the flow. Roll with the punches. Take his lead.

I am so pleased we got here after all of those months. We first applied for foster care in May 2016! People that registered this Spring are at the same stage as us now. It’s mad, but I’m glad we were considered. This is a long term thing. We have to be right for him. Everyone else seems to think it’s a perfect match, I just hope that in time he feels that way too.

I don’t want to wish this week away. I want to soak in every moment and savour every piece of our lives and home as it is now. This is it. This will change us forever.

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What body positivity means for me.

I love the body positivity movement streaming through social media recently. It’s something I feel passionate about and totally want to get behind. I’ve always felt an outsider though.

I struggle in my skin, but it’s not really things you can see in photographs. I can’t bravely snap shots of stretch marks, Mum tums and wobbly bum cheeks. 

I feel excluded from the #lovetheshake movement because I don’t fit into that category. 

But I still have major hangups with my body. I can’t be the only one.

My body has failed me. It doesn’t work how I thought it should. It’s hard to love your toned stomach when you would do anything for that mummy tummy so many women hide away.

I am starting a journey of self love. To give myself a break.

Maybe I have been granted a special opportunity? A wonderful duty to be a mother to many? After all every child needs a Mum, maybe I can be that. They will need me as much as I need them. 

After all, I certainly have the heart of a mother even if I don’t wear the stripes.

It’s going to take time to come to terms with though. Please be gentle with my fragility. I for one wouldn’t wish my body on anyone. 

Love the skin you’re in. You never know, the person who owns that body you so crave may be thinking exactly the same back at you.

Give yourself a break this Saturday, look in the mirror and say to yourself “my body is amazing just as it is”.

Infertility

We’ve been trying for a year.

If it worked straight away, I would be complaining of sleepless nights and sore boobs right about now. Instead we are booking doctors appointments to find out what is happening.

I don’t know what they are going to say. I honestly don’t mind either way, it’s just time we know now. So we can plan our family together, what ever that looks like.

It excites me that our children could be out there now, living and breathing and needing us now.

It sure is becoming a momentous year for us, in every which way.

 

My Perfect Home

My home is tidy and clean.

The washing basket has a quick turn over, the kitchen sides are clear and my fridge door is magnet free.

Art on the walls have been carefully chosen, the walls are freshly painted and I have quirky little nicknacks placed ‘just so’ on my shelves.

Our TV stays on channels we want to watch, we can be spontaneous with our weekend and our night’s sleep is forever long.

This all sounds lovely right?

Like a 5***** place to stay right?

It is beautiful, but it is empty.

 

My home is empty.

You know, I would give it all up tomorrow for handprints on the cupboard doors, splashes up the bathroom walls, and questionable art displayed on the fridge.

For a washing basket full of muddy football kits and an empty fridge and freezer.

To replace the nicknacks for nappies.

BBC for CBeebies

Date nights with nights in

Long nights, with regular coffee breaks and bags under my eyes

 

My house would buzz with playful chaos.

 

 

I know what you ‘already parents’ are thinking ‘you’re just saying that because you haven’t got it yet’ , ‘just you wait!’, ‘enjoy it while you’ve got it’.

and I know you are right

but knowing it doesn’t fill the quietness.

 

 

you know?

 

All I’m doing is focusing on September.

In will bounce a busy little thing with their own chaos and I just want to soak it all up.

Im trying hard to enjoy the quiet while I have it. Im just excited.

you know?