Feelings on Father’s Day

How am I doing this year?
I’ve been thinking about Dad extra amounts this week. More has reminded me of him. I’ve felt quieter and more subdued. I’ve been nervous about how today would be. 

This morning I’m trying to keep busy, but also keep in mind the knowledge that I can still celebrate Fathers Day. I have a wonderful Dad, that in twenty six years with me, gave me a wonderful childhood, advice and so much love. 

Looking forward, this time next year, we will be celebrating Father’s Day in a different way. We will be parents, caring for our gorgeous little boy or girl. A child far less fortunate than myself, in regards to parenting. Jim will step into that role. He will be wonderful. He is so much like my own Dad. 

Please don’t feel sorry for me, or any other grieving children today. Just promise me you will spend time with your own Dad’s while you still have the chance.

My Perfect Home

My home is tidy and clean.

The washing basket has a quick turn over, the kitchen sides are clear and my fridge door is magnet free.

Art on the walls have been carefully chosen, the walls are freshly painted and I have quirky little nicknacks placed ‘just so’ on my shelves.

Our TV stays on channels we want to watch, we can be spontaneous with our weekend and our night’s sleep is forever long.

This all sounds lovely right?

Like a 5***** place to stay right?

It is beautiful, but it is empty.

 

My home is empty.

You know, I would give it all up tomorrow for handprints on the cupboard doors, splashes up the bathroom walls, and questionable art displayed on the fridge.

For a washing basket full of muddy football kits and an empty fridge and freezer.

To replace the nicknacks for nappies.

BBC for CBeebies

Date nights with nights in

Long nights, with regular coffee breaks and bags under my eyes

 

My house would buzz with playful chaos.

 

 

I know what you ‘already parents’ are thinking ‘you’re just saying that because you haven’t got it yet’ , ‘just you wait!’, ‘enjoy it while you’ve got it’.

and I know you are right

but knowing it doesn’t fill the quietness.

 

 

you know?

 

All I’m doing is focusing on September.

In will bounce a busy little thing with their own chaos and I just want to soak it all up.

Im trying hard to enjoy the quiet while I have it. Im just excited.

you know?

 

 

Saying Goodbye

It wasn’t as hard to leave as I thought it could be.

During my last two visits I have known my Mum has to sell our lovely holiday house in the alps.

it has been our holiday destination for the past 12 years. It holds so many memories for us.

but as I walk through the house, I remember it is just concrete, wood and plaster. There are no memories stored away under the beds. They are in my head. I can take them anywhere with me.

I feel much closer to my Dad there, I can’t help but think about him. Imagine him soaking in the sun on the balcony or getting giddy at the pizza restaurant. I need to remind myself that these are all memories, that are too precious to sell. I still have all of them in my head at all times. Photos and videos will help me remember.

Now it’s time to start a new adventure. In fresh and exciting places. Exotic places.

I am grateful that my Dad made the decision to sell the house upon diagnosis. It takes some of the pressure off of Mum. 

The decision to buy the house was lead by him, and so was the decision to sell.

I am so proud of Mum. 
You can find my short film of Saying Goodbye [in a minute] over on my YouTube channel.  

Click here to go to the video. 

 

Why I can’t call him

So my beautiful friend Marky Poos is away.

He’s traveling the world one brave step at a time and I am so proud of him and his journey.

He’s been away for over two years now.

That’s a very long time.

He’s telephoned. Quite a few times. I could have spoken to him. But I have always found excuses. I don’t want to hear his voice. I’m scared I couldn’t cope hearing it.

I miss him so much. It might make me miss him more. It’s more bearable if he’s unreachable.

Truth is I do miss Mark, terribly, but that’s not the only reason I am avoiding speaking to him.

It’s like I have this compartment in my heart for all of the people who I gravely miss. I’ve placed Mark in there, along with my Dad.

I think that’s why I can’t speak to Mark. I’ll open the box. I can’t speak to everyone in there. It’s just best I don’t open it.

I don’t want to be reminded that Mark is in the world somewhere and my Dad is not.

If I don’t speak to Mark I can keep on pretending that my Dad has found his way to a remote part of the world too, having one awesome adventure as well.

But deep down I know the truth.

I’m going to struggle when Mark comes home, for purely selfish reasons. I will be beyond happy to see him and hug him and hear his voice and touch his face but I know I’m going to ball.

I’ve got a huge lump in my throat just thinking about it.

I know it’s something I need to do, and I am pleased Mark will be there to help me through it.

He’s great, my friend Mark.

Speak soon Poos ❤

#worldadoptionday

For those that do not know, Jim and I are in the final stages of becoming foster parents. It is something that has been on my heart for a long time. Even before we were married or had a house I knew I wanted to care for children that, through no fault of their own, have found themselves in the care of others.

Along the journey, as we have spoken to people about what we are doing, it has surprised me by the amount of people that are interested in fostering themselves, but have never taken the plunge.

I honestly was really nervous starting the process. I thought it would be intense and serious and invasive. That is not what I have found at all.

We are working and training alongside wonderful people. The agency we are working with are very friendly and approachable. They genuinely care and want the best for the children in their care. They seem to care about our wants and wishes and we have already built wonderful friendships.

The agency offer a huge range of training and advise for training and trained foster carers, so you never feel like you are on your own. 

They offer financial guidance and support to enable any suitable persons to foster. Whatever current financial circumstances look like. 

The process has actually been very enjoyable for us. We adore our wonderful form f assessor. She made us feel very at ease, as if we were talking with a friend.

We are now awaiting a date for our panel interview, to decide if we are suitable foster carers. We are hopeful that we will get the right answer.

Yesterday was world adoption day. There are 70,000 children currently in care in England alone.(2015 figures) This is a huge amount of children that will benefit from a loving and safe environment.

If you are interested in hearing more about our experience, the process in more detail or have any questions please do not hesitate to contact me either in the comments section below or through a private message. I would be honoured to play a part in your journey to foster care.

For now, please think of us as we finalise this process and begin our next chapter of our lives.

Xx