Birthday Suit

So I got naked at the weekend.

Full on starkers… in public.

It wasn’t intentional, more of a whim.

I found myself on a nudist beach by accident and just thought

FUCK IT

why not?!

 

and do you know what…

 

It felt bloody amazing.

 

I don’t think I’m going to make a habit of it, but I am so pleased I did it.

 

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Why I can’t call him

So my beautiful friend Marky Poos is away.

He’s traveling the world one brave step at a time and I am so proud of him and his journey.

He’s been away for over two years now.

That’s a very long time.

He’s telephoned. Quite a few times. I could have spoken to him. But I have always found excuses. I don’t want to hear his voice. I’m scared I couldn’t cope hearing it.

I miss him so much. It might make me miss him more. It’s more bearable if he’s unreachable.

Truth is I do miss Mark, terribly, but that’s not the only reason I am avoiding speaking to him.

It’s like I have this compartment in my heart for all of the people who I gravely miss. I’ve placed Mark in there, along with my Dad.

I think that’s why I can’t speak to Mark. I’ll open the box. I can’t speak to everyone in there. It’s just best I don’t open it.

I don’t want to be reminded that Mark is in the world somewhere and my Dad is not.

If I don’t speak to Mark I can keep on pretending that my Dad has found his way to a remote part of the world too, having one awesome adventure as well.

But deep down I know the truth.

I’m going to struggle when Mark comes home, for purely selfish reasons. I will be beyond happy to see him and hug him and hear his voice and touch his face but I know I’m going to ball.

I’ve got a huge lump in my throat just thinking about it.

I know it’s something I need to do, and I am pleased Mark will be there to help me through it.

He’s great, my friend Mark.

Speak soon Poos ❤

Grief & Guilt

I am feeling mega guilty.

It’s way way worse than the grief.

I wasn’t expecting that.

You see as my loved ones struggle the daily struggle I feel these mixed feelings of guilt.

Guilty for not going round enough

But also guilty for worrying so much about others instead of living my life to the full

Guilty for giving hugs and kisses to Jim infront of my Mum

But then guilty for not savouring each and every moment I get to spend with Jim in this short life we have together

Guilty for being so distracted from work that I don’t think about any of this

But also guilty that I am at work and not spending precious time with my Mum and siblings

Guilty that how ever much I give is never going to be enough to stop the hurt and the pain that they feel

But also guilty for not giving more

I definitely could give more. But more to who?

To Jim?

To my Mum?

To my students?

To my friends?

To myself?

I can’t give it all.

I’m forced to make a daily choice between them all, like a constant seesaw.

Up and down.

Left and right.

I don’t know how to finish this. There isn’t really a conclusion. I just want to try and describe how it’s all settling. I had no idea about all this before, I wonder if I am alone in this feeling?

You guys are all so lovely and are always asking if you can help. If you do want to support us, please give us your time. Invite my loved ones along to things you are doing. It means I can spend time with another with far less guilt.

Thank you for everything 💕

My Virtually Perfect Life

So… I lost my phone.
Don’t worry I know where it is, well I didn’t for a while, but I do now.

I left it in Italy, left safe in a safe.
So safe in fact that I even forgot about it and drove home without it.

I’m quite proud I lost it.

Well not proud, let me explain…

You see I was having so much fun in my real life that I completely forgot about keeping up my perfect virtual social media life.

We all do it. Make our life look better on social media than it really is.

If my Instagram was reality I’d spend my days faffing with petals and drinking cups of tea. Do you want to hear something funny- I don’t even drink tea and my knowledge of plants ranges from ‘daisy’ to ‘rose’ and not much further.

But in Italy, it didn’t matter. I didn’t take my camera out of my bag to record memories I just made memories. I didn’t blog about my deep inner most feelings about how nervous I was to see in the new year, I just saw it in. I didn’t upload my edit of our family Christmas to YouTube and spend the next 30 minutes counting views, most of which are my own, I just enjoyed creating it.

I did miss it, but not as desperately as I thought I would.

I never usually stick to resolutions, my rebellious streak always makes me want to break whatever rule I’ve fathomed up for the year.

But a resolution in which I strive to have a life that feels better in person than it looks on social media, now that sounds exciting to me.

It’s a challenge.

Yes my social media will be regularly updated with beautiful images, video and writing- however I will aim to ensure that my real life is always better, fuller, more exciting.

I want to live moments not just capture them
Suck them up, ooze them in, not let them pass by through the barrier of a phone or a camera lens.

You’ll have to remind me, I’m relying on you lot.

Oh and I still don’t have my phone back so sorry about that if you need to reach me, or maybe I’m not sorry?

If you do need me I’ll be in the Braintree area living my life, one real life moment at a time.

Two Kids

#throwback a good few years to when we were just kids in love on a beach holiday in Cornwall. So much has happened since here.

We met at sixteen at school. We were very quickly best friends. He was weird, eccentric and quirky. I was intrigued by him. He made me laugh. He made me more confident to be weird too.

We had so much fun at school with an amazing group of friends around us. 

We’ve been together ten years this January. That’s a long time. Little did we know back then, when we were weird loved up kids, that we would still be here. Together.

We’ve been separated across the Pacific for two lots of five months.We’ve  lived across seas. We’ve been through university and a half, we’e got married, we’ve bought and renovated our first home, we’ve had five close family members pass away. We’ve come up with a whole load of issues around building our own family…

…and yet through it all, we’ve been there for eachother.

This week I found us again. I hadn’t realised how far we had gotten from eachother. We see eachother everyday, speak to one another everyday and yet for a while there i’d lost sight of you. It’s not until you find eachother again that you realise how far from eachother you’ve become. 

Thank you for hanging around, waiting for me to be in a good place. You are ever so loyal. It helps me know that everything life will throw at us we can get through together. It will mould us and our relationship, we will be stronger, more resilient and hopefully lean on eachother even more.

Because weve got to remember

through all of it, 

we are still just two kids in love.

Back to reality.

I start back at work tomorrow. Back to reality. I’m worried. 

Worried I can’t do it, and worried if I can.

 I’m worried people will want to talk to me and hug me and tell me I’m doing great. 

I’m worried people will have their own problems and not worry about me at all. 

I’m worried I won’t care about the little things anymore, and I’m worried they will matter too much. 

I’m worried people will think I’m doing better than I am.

I’m worried people will put demands on me, I’m worried people won’t treat me the same as the others.

I can’t win. 

And you can’t help me,

Because i’m making it impossible for anyone to do the right thing for me, because every eventuality will be hard. 

The fact is it all will be hard. No matter how I cope, no matter what people say or do or how they treat me, it’s going to be really hard.  

So, if you see me tomorrow, just smile. No more. That will help.

 It lets me know that you know. 

It lets me know you care.

If you don’t see me tomorrow, please think of us all. Please pray that we have strength, patience, energy and courage.

Thank you so much for caring. 

Thank you so much for thinking of us, the cards, the flowers, the dinners and everything. 

You guys are the best.