Me and my councellor

I’ve been seeing a councellor for three weeks now.

I wasn’t loosing it, I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t bitter or having twisted thoughts, I wasn’t crying all of the time, I wasn’t tired or depressed, I wasn’t suicidal or struggling with my marriage or at work.

But I don’t want any of the above to happen if i don’t have the toolset to help me cope with that.

I don’t want to be bitter.

I want to face grief head on.

 

It’s good too.

I like speaking about Dad. Remembering and enjoying telling a stranger about how amazing he was. Sometimes it all sounds to good to be true, like I am making it up. This makes me appreciate how truly lucky I am to have him.

Don’t get me wrong, its not all silly anecdotes and fond memories. Some feelings are raw and hurt very much. I need to learn to express and work through these feelings too. They are just not as easy to come through, when I am so used to looking for the positives all of the time.

I’m just saying, I’m pleased I am having councilling.

I am not ashamed of it.

I think it is a fantastic and free resource available to everyone and anyone and I couldn’t recommend it highly enough.

Every week I feel more and more accepting of my new reality.

Farleigh Hospice really do life changing work, with all that walk through their doors.

immortality

When you loose someone close to you, you are reminded that we are not going to live forever.

This reality check gives you two options:

  1. be sad about the idea of dying
  2. live everyday you have left to the fullest

I don’t know about you, but number two sounds far more tempting!

Im going wild this year. I’m leaving my well paid and steady teaching career, I’m shaving my head, I’m painting my skin, I am starting a business, I am travelling the world, I am becoming a parent… all in 12 months.

Have no regrets.

Life is too short.

My aim is to inspire you to do the same, okay you don’t all have to shave your heads, but my challenge to you is to live life to the fullest. Everyday. Not just on Saturday.

Say yes not maybe

run don’t walk

forgive quickly

and love everyone

 

because life is short and living life is wonderful.

 

 

 

 

Feelings on Father’s Day

How am I doing this year?
I’ve been thinking about Dad extra amounts this week. More has reminded me of him. I’ve felt quieter and more subdued. I’ve been nervous about how today would be. 

This morning I’m trying to keep busy, but also keep in mind the knowledge that I can still celebrate Fathers Day. I have a wonderful Dad, that in twenty six years with me, gave me a wonderful childhood, advice and so much love. 

Looking forward, this time next year, we will be celebrating Father’s Day in a different way. We will be parents, caring for our gorgeous little boy or girl. A child far less fortunate than myself, in regards to parenting. Jim will step into that role. He will be wonderful. He is so much like my own Dad. 

Please don’t feel sorry for me, or any other grieving children today. Just promise me you will spend time with your own Dad’s while you still have the chance.

ο»ΏSeeing you.

I dreamed about you last night.

It was only a fleeting visit. 

You held me. You were well and strong again. You smelled like you again. 

Even in my dream I knew you shouldn’t really be here.

I breathed you in and savoured the moment. 

I told you off, and reminded you what you had said to us. You shouldn’t be here, worrying about us, you should be resting.

You smiled.

You told me you loved me and that I should read your journal entries to remind me of it.

Even in my dream you help me. EditIt’s good advice. It’s a way I have to hear your voice. I think I’ll read them tonight. 

Thanks Dad. 

You are welcome to invade my dreams anytime.

Our new normal.

Everything is slipping back to normal this week, well our new normal anyway.

We all started back at work or school.

We are all being very brave.

My wounds of the last fortnight are fading and new aches are taking their place.

I felt comfort that my poorly Father was taken from us.

But now, over two weeks on, I’m remembering the Dad I had before all of this. I don’t feel comfort that he’s gone.

He was awesome.

He was fun and wise and nice to have around.

He was energetic and encouraging.

The house is quieter without his voice in it.

We are still sitting all together to eat. Making jokes and conversation. We are still playing board games and watching films.

But it all feels different.

It is all different.

Our new different normal.

We will get used to this, I know we will.

I know these aches will fade and bruises will appear in their place.

Thank you for looking out for us still. This week is going to be one of our hardest yet,

Getting used to a new different normal that we didn’t ask for.

Trying to be thankful, strong and happy in a future, this time last year we wouldn’t have imagined possible.

Back to reality.

I start back at work tomorrow. Back to reality. I’m worried. 

Worried I can’t do it, and worried if I can.

 I’m worried people will want to talk to me and hug me and tell me I’m doing great. 

I’m worried people will have their own problems and not worry about me at all. 

I’m worried I won’t care about the little things anymore, and I’m worried they will matter too much. 

I’m worried people will think I’m doing better than I am.

I’m worried people will put demands on me, I’m worried people won’t treat me the same as the others.

I can’t win. 

And you can’t help me,

Because i’m making it impossible for anyone to do the right thing for me, because every eventuality will be hard. 

The fact is it all will be hard. No matter how I cope, no matter what people say or do or how they treat me, it’s going to be really hard.  

So, if you see me tomorrow, just smile. No more. That will help.

 It lets me know that you know. 

It lets me know you care.

If you don’t see me tomorrow, please think of us all. Please pray that we have strength, patience, energy and courage.

Thank you so much for caring. 

Thank you so much for thinking of us, the cards, the flowers, the dinners and everything. 

You guys are the best.

Grief

I lost my Father eight days ago. 

I do not feel how I thought I would feel and am not doing what I thought I would do. 

Either the sadness of it all hasn’t hit me yet, or I am peaceful because my Dad was peaceful.

Of course I am hoping for the latter.

My life is changed, but it is not anger and hate I feel. 

I think I was most angry, confused and upset when my Dad was first diagnosed. I was shocked and there were so many unanswerable questions;

Will my Dad be pain free?

Will my Mum be able to cope? 

Will Dad see Easter? 

Will everybody get to see him that wants to?

Will my Dad cope with chemo?

Will my Dad be okay with this?

It brings me pride and peace to tell you the answers to all of the above uncertainties are a big fat yes. 

The fact is he coped amazingly and now so are we. 

I don’t know if I will continue feeling this way, but I am pleased I am feeling it today. 

Watching him fade away from us was far from easy, but it gave us time to come to terms with what was happening in our family. 

I still feel thankful and blessed that it all happened in this way, and am still searching for why we deserve such peace, when others suffer so. 

Maybe there is no answer.

There are some new feelings I have been feeling this week;

I am feeling impatient with people’s dramatised everyday and mundane problems. I honestly don’t care, it doesn’t matter. I can’t bring myself to even pretend to care.

I am also feeling nervous for Dad’s funeral, seeing all of those dispairing faces.

On paper the funeral looks lovely, ‘a celebration’, a perfect tribute for such a Man.

If you wish to attend it will be held on Friday 2nd September at Christ Church Braintree, London Road at 3:00pm. 

I am hoping you will bring smiles, memories and cake.

I know he would be proud how we’re doing. All this has brought us even closer and given us a new perspective on life and living. It’s what he would want to come out of all this.

I do not know how I am going to feel next week or next year, but this is how I am feeling now. 

I know there is no right or wrong way to manage this, I am just doing by my best. I am focusing on what made Dad peaceful and sharing the message to others.