Feelings on Father’s Day

How am I doing this year?
I’ve been thinking about Dad extra amounts this week. More has reminded me of him. I’ve felt quieter and more subdued. I’ve been nervous about how today would be. 

This morning I’m trying to keep busy, but also keep in mind the knowledge that I can still celebrate Fathers Day. I have a wonderful Dad, that in twenty six years with me, gave me a wonderful childhood, advice and so much love. 

Looking forward, this time next year, we will be celebrating Father’s Day in a different way. We will be parents, caring for our gorgeous little boy or girl. A child far less fortunate than myself, in regards to parenting. Jim will step into that role. He will be wonderful. He is so much like my own Dad. 

Please don’t feel sorry for me, or any other grieving children today. Just promise me you will spend time with your own Dad’s while you still have the chance.

My Perfect Home

My home is tidy and clean.

The washing basket has a quick turn over, the kitchen sides are clear and my fridge door is magnet free.

Art on the walls have been carefully chosen, the walls are freshly painted and I have quirky little nicknacks placed ‘just so’ on my shelves.

Our TV stays on channels we want to watch, we can be spontaneous with our weekend and our night’s sleep is forever long.

This all sounds lovely right?

Like a 5***** place to stay right?

It is beautiful, but it is empty.

 

My home is empty.

You know, I would give it all up tomorrow for handprints on the cupboard doors, splashes up the bathroom walls, and questionable art displayed on the fridge.

For a washing basket full of muddy football kits and an empty fridge and freezer.

To replace the nicknacks for nappies.

BBC for CBeebies

Date nights with nights in

Long nights, with regular coffee breaks and bags under my eyes

 

My house would buzz with playful chaos.

 

 

I know what you ‘already parents’ are thinking ‘you’re just saying that because you haven’t got it yet’ , ‘just you wait!’, ‘enjoy it while you’ve got it’.

and I know you are right

but knowing it doesn’t fill the quietness.

 

 

you know?

 

All I’m doing is focusing on September.

In will bounce a busy little thing with their own chaos and I just want to soak it all up.

Im trying hard to enjoy the quiet while I have it. Im just excited.

you know?

 

 

Do I even want children?

It’s a funny old thing.

Being 27, married, lovely house, two spare rooms, spare money… surely now is the perfect time for a little one?

Do you know what, it probably is. 

But is that because I want it or because society tells me that’s what I want? That’s ‘the next thing’, you know?

I’m really not sure on that one.

And I’ve never been good at following rules!

Something inside of me is saying, don’t be conventional. Don’t have a child because it’s what they want. What they expect. What happens once your married, with a house and a good job. Because it’s ‘the done thing.’ Because everyone else is. why?

Maybe I’m supposed to teach?Foster? Adopt? 

I feel like I am.

It excites me so much more than the idea of having my own and it always has.

The thought that our children could be born now, they might need us now, it breaks my heart. I want to find them and keep them safe and love them and show them.

If we foster we could parent lots of children. Make a difference to lots of families. Support them through life’s struggles, help them stay together.

The idea of this gives me flutters. 

They need us.

Why should I think the only way to truly be a parent is to have my own, because that’s what society is telling me.

I say no.

And not because I can or can’t have my own, but because they exist. They exist in the world. They are here, born, needing me now. 

How can I ignore that? How can I start my perfect biological happy family when they need me? 

In an ideal world, foster care and adoption wouldn’t exist.

These have suffered more hurt than I will ever truly understand.

It’s just not fair. 

I want,

no I need to do something.

Yes okay I hear you, I could have my happy biological children, play happy families for a while and then foster or adopt, but why? 

Because that’s the normal thing to do? Because the only reason we’re put on this earth is to reproduce? Because I won’t find true happiness unless I have my own?

I say bull shit.

I’m not saying it’s for everyone. I’m not saying you should feel guilty. I’m not saying either way is right or wrong.

It’s just right and wrong for me. 

Do you know what, I might end up following the norm. This could all be hot air. 

I could try fostering, it could all be too difficult, too hard, too emotional.

But I’m going to try.

I have to give it a go.

Otherwise how will I know?

I hope this has made you think. And helps you understand where I’m at. 

So that next time you say “it’l be your turn next” you are prepared for my pretentious and well thought out answer.

😉

#worldadoptionday

For those that do not know, Jim and I are in the final stages of becoming foster parents. It is something that has been on my heart for a long time. Even before we were married or had a house I knew I wanted to care for children that, through no fault of their own, have found themselves in the care of others.

Along the journey, as we have spoken to people about what we are doing, it has surprised me by the amount of people that are interested in fostering themselves, but have never taken the plunge.

I honestly was really nervous starting the process. I thought it would be intense and serious and invasive. That is not what I have found at all.

We are working and training alongside wonderful people. The agency we are working with are very friendly and approachable. They genuinely care and want the best for the children in their care. They seem to care about our wants and wishes and we have already built wonderful friendships.

The agency offer a huge range of training and advise for training and trained foster carers, so you never feel like you are on your own. 

They offer financial guidance and support to enable any suitable persons to foster. Whatever current financial circumstances look like. 

The process has actually been very enjoyable for us. We adore our wonderful form f assessor. She made us feel very at ease, as if we were talking with a friend.

We are now awaiting a date for our panel interview, to decide if we are suitable foster carers. We are hopeful that we will get the right answer.

Yesterday was world adoption day. There are 70,000 children currently in care in England alone.(2015 figures) This is a huge amount of children that will benefit from a loving and safe environment.

If you are interested in hearing more about our experience, the process in more detail or have any questions please do not hesitate to contact me either in the comments section below or through a private message. I would be honoured to play a part in your journey to foster care.

For now, please think of us as we finalise this process and begin our next chapter of our lives.

Xx

Becoming a Foster Mum

I started my interview process with our Form F assessor today. She is lovely and very easy to chat to. 

She asked all about my upbringing and struggles and adult life and relationships. It was intimate and invasive, but it was fine. 

In fact it was more than fine. I felt excited listening to her talking about what our children may be like and how we could support them. 

It is feeling more real now. Like we’re actually going to be parents. Like we will actually be entrusted with a child to love and care for. 

It feels right. 

I hope I am not being naive. I hope I am strong enough. I hope Jim is ready. I hope we make good parents. 

I suppose these are normal hopes for any soon-to-be parents to have.