Infertility

We’ve been trying for a year.

If it worked straight away, I would be complaining of sleepless nights and sore boobs right about now. Instead we are booking doctors appointments to find out what is happening.

I don’t know what they are going to say. I honestly don’t mind either way, it’s just time we know now. So we can plan our family together, what ever that looks like.

It excites me that our children could be out there now, living and breathing and needing us now.

It sure is becoming a momentous year for us, in every which way.

 

Feelings on Father’s Day

How am I doing this year?
I’ve been thinking about Dad extra amounts this week. More has reminded me of him. I’ve felt quieter and more subdued. I’ve been nervous about how today would be. 

This morning I’m trying to keep busy, but also keep in mind the knowledge that I can still celebrate Fathers Day. I have a wonderful Dad, that in twenty six years with me, gave me a wonderful childhood, advice and so much love. 

Looking forward, this time next year, we will be celebrating Father’s Day in a different way. We will be parents, caring for our gorgeous little boy or girl. A child far less fortunate than myself, in regards to parenting. Jim will step into that role. He will be wonderful. He is so much like my own Dad. 

Please don’t feel sorry for me, or any other grieving children today. Just promise me you will spend time with your own Dad’s while you still have the chance.

My Perfect Home

My home is tidy and clean.

The washing basket has a quick turn over, the kitchen sides are clear and my fridge door is magnet free.

Art on the walls have been carefully chosen, the walls are freshly painted and I have quirky little nicknacks placed ‘just so’ on my shelves.

Our TV stays on channels we want to watch, we can be spontaneous with our weekend and our night’s sleep is forever long.

This all sounds lovely right?

Like a 5***** place to stay right?

It is beautiful, but it is empty.

 

My home is empty.

You know, I would give it all up tomorrow for handprints on the cupboard doors, splashes up the bathroom walls, and questionable art displayed on the fridge.

For a washing basket full of muddy football kits and an empty fridge and freezer.

To replace the nicknacks for nappies.

BBC for CBeebies

Date nights with nights in

Long nights, with regular coffee breaks and bags under my eyes

 

My house would buzz with playful chaos.

 

 

I know what you ‘already parents’ are thinking ‘you’re just saying that because you haven’t got it yet’ , ‘just you wait!’, ‘enjoy it while you’ve got it’.

and I know you are right

but knowing it doesn’t fill the quietness.

 

 

you know?

 

All I’m doing is focusing on September.

In will bounce a busy little thing with their own chaos and I just want to soak it all up.

Im trying hard to enjoy the quiet while I have it. Im just excited.

you know?

 

 

Becoming a Foster Mum

I started my interview process with our Form F assessor today. She is lovely and very easy to chat to. 

She asked all about my upbringing and struggles and adult life and relationships. It was intimate and invasive, but it was fine. 

In fact it was more than fine. I felt excited listening to her talking about what our children may be like and how we could support them. 

It is feeling more real now. Like we’re actually going to be parents. Like we will actually be entrusted with a child to love and care for. 

It feels right. 

I hope I am not being naive. I hope I am strong enough. I hope Jim is ready. I hope we make good parents. 

I suppose these are normal hopes for any soon-to-be parents to have.