I’ve been seeing a councellor for three weeks now.
I wasn’t loosing it, I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t bitter or having twisted thoughts, I wasn’t crying all of the time, I wasn’t tired or depressed, I wasn’t suicidal or struggling with my marriage or at work.
But I don’t want any of the above to happen if i don’t have the toolset to help me cope with that.
I don’t want to be bitter.
I want to face grief head on.
It’s good too.
I like speaking about Dad. Remembering and enjoying telling a stranger about how amazing he was. Sometimes it all sounds to good to be true, like I am making it up. This makes me appreciate how truly lucky I am to have him.
Don’t get me wrong, its not all silly anecdotes and fond memories. Some feelings are raw and hurt very much. I need to learn to express and work through these feelings too. They are just not as easy to come through, when I am so used to looking for the positives all of the time.
I’m just saying, I’m pleased I am having councilling.
I am not ashamed of it.
I think it is a fantastic and free resource available to everyone and anyone and I couldn’t recommend it highly enough.
Every week I feel more and more accepting of my new reality.
Farleigh Hospice really do life changing work, with all that walk through their doors.
When you loose someone close to you, you are reminded that we are not going to live forever.
This reality check gives you two options:
- be sad about the idea of dying
- live everyday you have left to the fullest
I don’t know about you, but number two sounds far more tempting!
Im going wild this year. I’m leaving my well paid and steady teaching career, I’m shaving my head, I’m painting my skin, I am starting a business, I am travelling the world, I am becoming a parent… all in 12 months.
Have no regrets.
Life is too short.
My aim is to inspire you to do the same, okay you don’t all have to shave your heads, but my challenge to you is to live life to the fullest. Everyday. Not just on Saturday.
Say yes not maybe
run don’t walk
and love everyone
because life is short and living life is wonderful.
How am I doing this year?
I’ve been thinking about Dad extra amounts this week. More has reminded me of him. I’ve felt quieter and more subdued. I’ve been nervous about how today would be.
This morning I’m trying to keep busy, but also keep in mind the knowledge that I can still celebrate Fathers Day. I have a wonderful Dad, that in twenty six years with me, gave me a wonderful childhood, advice and so much love.
Looking forward, this time next year, we will be celebrating Father’s Day in a different way. We will be parents, caring for our gorgeous little boy or girl. A child far less fortunate than myself, in regards to parenting. Jim will step into that role. He will be wonderful. He is so much like my own Dad.
Please don’t feel sorry for me, or any other grieving children today. Just promise me you will spend time with your own Dad’s while you still have the chance.
It has been seven months.
I think about him more and more these days.
I have come to realise that he is not coming back to us.
This breaks my heart.
I have been in complete denial, to the point that earlier in the week I saw a Facebook post about their Dad’s passing and I genuinely thought “oh no, it must feel so awful to loose your Dad”.
I know it is awful.
It’s just not the stab wound I was anticipating…. not for me anyway, more of a long term injury. Gradually the pain is seeping in and will not heal.
I genuinely think about him everyday.
Oh the things I would tell him if I could, so much is happening.
Today I feel sad. I haven’t had a sad day in months. I’ve been far too busy to be sad. It’s strange and doesn’t make sense, I know. But it is as I feel it.
I hope you have a productive Saturday
I am feeling mega guilty.
It’s way way worse than the grief.
I wasn’t expecting that.
You see as my loved ones struggle the daily struggle I feel these mixed feelings of guilt.
Guilty for not going round enough
But also guilty for worrying so much about others instead of living my life to the full
Guilty for giving hugs and kisses to Jim infront of my Mum
But then guilty for not savouring each and every moment I get to spend with Jim in this short life we have together
Guilty for being so distracted from work that I don’t think about any of this
But also guilty that I am at work and not spending precious time with my Mum and siblings
Guilty that how ever much I give is never going to be enough to stop the hurt and the pain that they feel
But also guilty for not giving more
I definitely could give more. But more to who?
To my Mum?
To my students?
To my friends?
I can’t give it all.
I’m forced to make a daily choice between them all, like a constant seesaw.
Up and down.
Left and right.
I don’t know how to finish this. There isn’t really a conclusion. I just want to try and describe how it’s all settling. I had no idea about all this before, I wonder if I am alone in this feeling?
You guys are all so lovely and are always asking if you can help. If you do want to support us, please give us your time. Invite my loved ones along to things you are doing. It means I can spend time with another with far less guilt.
Thank you for everything 💕
I did not write anything on here over the holiday period. I wanted to just live it, you know, without the reflection all of the time. I felt flutters of all sorts throughout the entire holiday and didn’t want to cement my flutterings on here, if that’s all they were. I do want to mark it though. Both days are very big firsts, and both different. I want to remember how I felt in the moment. I also want to share my feelings honestly, hoping they might help others. Below are writings from both days. As they were, as I wrote them, as I felt at that exact moment. Flutterings.
Fluttering one- written 26th December 2016:
And that’s a wrap. Christmas has been wonderful this year, it felt as full as our tummies. I was really hoping it wouldn’t feel broken and like pieces were missing. Obviously there was a lump in my throat most of the day, but we made it. We did it. If we can do Christmas we can do anything. Cheers to everyone, especially you Dad 💕
Fluttering two- written 1st January 2017:
That was so hard. The end of 2016. The year my Dad existed is done. Yesterday I could say ‘this year’, now I have to say ‘last year’, and soon it’ll be ‘a while a go’. I couldn’t see midnight. It was far too awful. I went to bed and was soothed to sleep after many many tears. I don’t want this year to finish. I don’t want my Dad to get further and further away from us.
There are lots of things that hurt that I expected would hurt.
There are also things that hurt that I hadn’t anticipated.
This is one of those.
Every night we set the table I count through the people in the house.
I count Mum, Joe, Fred, Ella, Jim, Myself and
and it stings every single time.
I thought I would get used to it, but it’s still the same pain as 11 weeks ago.
I still make myself do it though, set the table I mean, because if I don’t do it someone else will feel the sting.
Sometimes I just get all the plates, cups and cutlery out in piles on the table for people to help themselves to avoid any counting at all.
So that’s a thing.
Everything else is gliding along though.
It’s all happening and we’re kind of floating along with it.
I’m feeling a little more these days, still not in full HD 1080p yet, but it’s progress.
I’m trying really hard to look forward to Christmas. I love this time of year so much. I’m determined to make it happy and lovely and memorable.
If all this has taught me something I am a determined little soul. 🙈
Happy Saturday you lovely lot 💕