Today is the day we meet our son

I have purposely not written lengthy blog posts about our journey since meeting him. I have given little hints on Instagram. The fact is, this is not my story to tell.

I didn’t think it fair that you guys knew things that he didn’t. He got told about us yesterday. I have no idea how he took the news. We meet him today, again I have no idea how we are going to be received. We’re prepared for the worst.

Foster care isn’t slow motions runs at each other with open arms. Foster care is cautious and heartbreaking. It’s confusing and just so darn hard. It’s joyful too, hopefully. All mixed into a muddy mess.

I can’t wait to see his face, having still never seen a photo, I’m desperate to see if my image of him is anywhere close. I can’t wait to hear his voice, see his mannerisms, start to learn him. Heck, start to love him.

Jim and I are nervous. We’re setting ourselves up. We’re both determined for this to work in the long term, in the short term our plan is to go with the flow. Roll with the punches. Take his lead.

I am so pleased we got here after all of those months. We first applied for foster care in May 2016! People that registered this Spring are at the same stage as us now. It’s mad, but I’m glad we were considered. This is a long term thing. We have to be right for him. Everyone else seems to think it’s a perfect match, I just hope that in time he feels that way too.

I don’t want to wish this week away. I want to soak in every moment and savour every piece of our lives and home as it is now. This is it. This will change us forever.

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We’re ready.

So our agency said our house is good enough to pass the Health and Saftey check which is the last piece of paperwork holding us back from bringing a little kiddo home.

I could not stop smiling all afternoon. I kept jumping and dancing and hugging Jim tight, thinking “how did we pull this off?”

It has been a crazy year renovating our house and going through this process. I remember the first time our social worker came over, the kitchen had been ripped out and the outside wall had been knocked down. There was dust everywhere and I was cooking on a gas stove on the floor. (See pictures)


Our Social Worker showed great faith in us and smiled, asking to see our drawings of what it will look like!

As time moved on, with Jim working every waking hour, we got closer and closer to completing our home. When we reached the point of decorating our spare bedroom I could not wait! I had been thinking about this room for a very long time.

It is now a beautiful bedroom with a mass of toys and books I’ve collected over the years. I can’t help but peek in every time I walk passed. I try and imagine what it is going to be like. 

Recently, my friend’s little girl played in the room as we caught up. It made my tummy smile to see these toys being used. She left a trail of chaos behind her and I soaked it all in. I left the toys how she had left them for a few days, not wanting to put them back in their place.

I’m so ready for my house to be a mass of chaos now. I hope when it does happen that I remember how desperate I was for it and not wish it away. I hope each time I tread on a Lego brick or find playdough behind the radiator, I remember how lonely  and empty my perfect little house felt without it.

So, we’re now at the marketing stage of the process. It’s when they let the Local Authority (LA) know about us. The LA will reply with possible placements they have. These will get sent to us for us to accept or decline. 

They are not expecting this process to take long, maybe a matter of days. They are expecting us to be popular as we are one of only two couples willing to place children with special needs in our agency (Which I think is shocking)

Thinking it may only be days, Jim and I had date night last night to celebrate. It might be our last for a while. It was lovely to speak openly about our wants and wishes, talking about what we are excited for and nervous about. We connected better than we have in ages. The relief of being at the next stage has lifted our spirits. It feels like it’s really going to happen.

I’m excited, more than anything, to see Jim become a Dad. He is going to be so wonderful, so kind and so patient. So understanding and so eager to do everything right by them.

I’m also excited to see family and friends, who have had updates for years, finally meet our foster child. Everyone will have a lot to learn from this little kiddo, I’m sure, me included.

I’m looking forward to reading bedtime stories, preparing school lunches, playing in the garden, bathtimes and generally being a full time stay at home Mum. I often feel like I’ve tricked the system knowing that I am getting paid to be a Mum. It’s what others could only dream of. I urge anybody that is interested in fostering to get in contact or follow along with our journey. Good foster carers are desperately needed.

So, I guess I will see you on the other side of Motherhood for my next entry. When I’m swearing at Lego bricks and praying for a chance to sleep!

Sounds like fun!

Hate breeds hate

I am saddened to see so much hate on my newsfeed this morning. 

So many close minded opinions, sharing of religious statements taken out of context and articles plucked from thin air to prove your way is right. 

I love a healthy debate. One in which each person in turn airs their views, open to be swayed by others in a way to understand eachother and consolidate what you believe.

I agree we have to challenge those that are doing wrong in our eyes, not to condemn but to understand why they think differently from us.

Next time you see hurtful comments or articles shared, instead of tutting and ignoring it, or sending hurtful comments straight back why don’t you ask a challenging open question?

E.g.

  • I am intrigued by your point of view. I would like to understand how you came to think this way?
  • I understand your anger, I am saddened by what is happening too. What do you think you or I can do to help on a day to day basis?
  • I am trying really hard to understand where you are coming from. Could you please send me useful links so I can research this for myself?

Can you hear the difference? It is obvious you are from another opinion, but you are open to be swayed or challenged. 

Maybe this way you will either:

  1. Receive a very well thought out answer that may help you understand where they are coming from.
  2. Have the opportunity to share your beliefs also in an open and relaxed discussion
  3. Or more hateful statements will be returned and at this point you can choose to leave the conversation or ask another kind and considered open question.

I am going to be selective on what I write and when. Maybe private messages rather than comment sections will be more amicable?

I have no idea if it’s going to work, but I can’t swipe passed anymore hate without doing something about it.

I would appreciate your support.

Please share your kind and open opinions on what I have said in the comments section below.

Remember love online, offline, always.

One Year

So this little blog of mine is a whole year old.

I started it so I could sort out my feelings of things happening in my life at the time.

It has seriously been so useful to me.

When hearing of my Dad’s diagnosis, I didn’t know how I felt about anything. Everything was up in the air. I would flit from one emotion to the next. I needed something concrete to set my feelings onto. If I wrote them down they would become truth as I felt it in each moment.

And so ‘indigo_hart’ was born.

By writing and sharing I have frozen in time one of the most significant years of my life.

Everything I felt and thought is here. I can go back and read them anytime, and I often do.

It’s a way of checking how I am progressing on coping with living life and death.

It has also been doubly useful as it has been a way of sharing with all that wanted to know how I am doing without them having to ask me. It keeps people at a safe distance. You don’t need to ask and I don’t need to tell.

I like that I don’t have to say my thoughts out loud and yet everyone around me just knows, they totally get where I am at.

It has kept emotional injuries to a minimum. It has kept me in control.

I think that’s it.

This blog brings order and control into a situation I have no control over.

 

So it’s been a year. It’s been an incredible, catastrophic, terrifying and daunting year.

But, life’s challenges do not stop here.

Life keeps rolling,

as will this blog.

 

Chitter, Chatter.

I always was your little chatterbox. 

I remember when you were feeling tired on the drive home after a fun family day out, you would get me to sit in the front of the car. Sitting next to you. 

I was good at keeping you awake.

I’d chatter and chatter about everything and anything. Nonsense really. You would interject every once in a while and I would carry on. 

I liked it. You seemed to like it too. 

It made me feel important.

And now I’m sitting here, sitting next to you again. 

You are too tired to concentrate and I am chatting away about nonsense. Just like old times.

Except it’s kind of not like old times really, is it.

Thank you for making me feel what I have to say is important. Because of you I have started this blog. People seem to like it too. But it’s all for you. 

My chitter chatter always was.