Ten things I can’t do

So in the past week a few of you have commented

Is there anything you can’t do?”

I thought that was funny.

Of course there are loads of things I can’t do. I just don’t share my flaws and fails on social media, well not all of them anyway.

To be honest I’m a Jack of all trades, but a master of none.

So just to prove I am in fact an actual human I have listed ten things I can not do.

Enjoy πŸ˜‚

 

ONE          I can not for the life of me play an F on guitar. My little finger just will not reach and I am really annoyed about it.

TWO        I can not answer the phone without giving myself a major pep-talk first, even if it is a close family member or my best friend. Sometimes the pep-talk works, and sometimes it doesn’t so Jim answers the phone for me.

THREE     I can not spell. Honestly. I think I have to be the worst non-dyslexic primary school teacher speller in the world. I rely on spell check.      always.

FOUR       I can not go a day without social media. I’m obsessed. It’s not good.

FIVE         I can not be a proper Vegetarian, however hard I try. It’s McDonalds. It’s my down fall.

SIX           I can not wait. I need to do everything 5 minutes ago. My mind flits from one thing to the next, projects rarely get finished around here.

SEVEN    I can not feel true sympathy for others. I fake it really well. And I know normal me would genuinely care. Sometimes I do. But it’s just hard right now.

EIGHT    I can not read and finish a novel. Well I’ve maybe finished two books in my life, and they were teen fiction. I enjoy books but usually choose podcasts or audiobooks instead.

NINE       I can not sleep if anything in my bedtime routine changes. 

TEN.        I can not try new foods without major preparation for a whole day before.

I am human.

I just only share the good.

Mostly.

Now you know ❀️

Night Owl

I used to be a night owl.

I would make every attempt to stay up as late as I could without my parents realising I should be in bed.

Though I’d always ruin it for myself by getting over tired and over chatty!
My Dad would say “You know if you just sat quietly we would forget about it being your bedtime” but I just couldn’t help myself. 

I still do it now. I get over chatty when I’m sleepy.

What is different, however is that I am far from a night owl. I like to be in bed by ten o’clock or I start to feel panicky. 

My parents used to tell me that one day I will look forward to going to bed and I just couldn’t see how that could ever be true, but it so is!

So this weekend I have been out for drinks for four nights in a row. It has been beyond fun! I have powered through the days to get through to the evenings. I’ve loved getting dressed up and dancing all night. 

But now, after 96 hours of partying hard- I am done.

I am ready to sleep for the next fortnight.

Goodnight world.

See you at Easter πŸ˜‚

One Year

So this little blog of mine is a whole year old.

I started it so I could sort out my feelings of things happening in my life at the time.

It has seriously been so useful to me.

When hearing of my Dad’s diagnosis, I didn’t know how I felt about anything. Everything was up in the air. I would flit from one emotion to the next. I needed something concrete to set my feelings onto. If I wrote them down they would become truth as I felt it in each moment.

And so ‘indigo_hart’ was born.

By writing and sharing I have frozen in time one of the most significant years of my life.

Everything I felt and thought is here. I can go back and read them anytime, and I often do.

It’s a way of checking how I am progressing on coping with living life and death.

It has also been doubly useful as it has been a way of sharing with all that wanted to know how I am doing without them having to ask me. It keeps people at a safe distance. You don’t need to ask and I don’t need to tell.

I like that I don’t have to say my thoughts out loud and yet everyone around me just knows, they totally get where I am at.

It has kept emotional injuries to a minimum. It has kept me in control.

I think that’s it.

This blog brings order and control into a situation I have no control over.

 

So it’s been a year. It’s been an incredible, catastrophic, terrifying and daunting year.

But, life’s challenges do not stop here.

Life keeps rolling,

as will this blog.

 

Mummy’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the incredible Mothers out there. You do a relentless job and are incredible. I watch your love for your children. I can see you love them so much it hurts. I can see the excitement and joy in your eyes when they learn something new. I can see that your child loves you by the way they look at you too, by the way they need you and follow you. I can see that when they push you away you only hold closer. You fight for them. You work for them. You change your body for them. You change your life for them. They are your first thought when you wake and your last when you go to sleep. You are amazing. Thank you.

Gingerbread Cupcakes

Y O U  W I L L  N E E D

  • 185g unsalted butter
  • 185g caster sugar
  • 3 large eggs
  • 185g self raising flour
  • 1/2 tablespoon baking powder
  • Pinch of cinnamon, ginger and nutmeg
  • Pinch of light brown sugar

M E T H O D

  1. Pre-heat oven to 180c
  2. Place cupcake cases in 12 tray
  3. Mix all ingredients in a bowl until fully combined and smooth
  4. Divide mixture evenly amongst cases and place in the oven for 25 minutes
  5. Take out and leave on a cooling rack until cool to touch (can refrigerate)


Y O U  W I L L  N E E D

  • 350g icing sugar
  • 175g unsalted butter
  • 2 splashes of milk

M E T H O D

  1. Combine in a large bowl until smooth (stir well for 5 minutes)
  2. Place into a piping bag
  3. Pipe icing onto cool cupcakes
  4. Add decoration and cool once more to set icing

Haircuts

I have avoided the hair salon for 7 months.

Instead I have been cutting my own hair in that time, you’ve probably noticed, but I couldn’t face it.

I couldn’t face the usual questions…

So what have you been up to…

So what’s new…

Any holidays planned

I wouldn’t know how to answer them.

They would get a shock if I answered them honestly…

So what have you been up to…

Oh burying my Dad and then carrying on at work like nothing’s happened, you know the usual.

So what’s new…

“Oh you know, apart from my world turning inside out and upside down, not very much, you?

Any holidays planned…

“Well no actually, we’ve had to sell our beautiful holiday house because my Dad died and we are all really sad about it”

I just think I would leave them feeling really guilty and lost of words and I’d end up with a pretty awkward haircut and would feel awful for ruining their day.

I have just made stuff up before now, said I’m going to the zoo and made up a little family I could take, that was years ago, way before my Dad died. I’ve never like the public personal salon questions.

I know they don’t mean it. Sometimes I wish I could ask for silence but that would be awkward too!

I braved it yesterday. 

Luckily the guy loved himself so much that he just wanted to talk about him. 

Finally.

 I can deal with that. So I’ll be using him again, even if it’s just for the one sided conversation! 

Do any of you guys find salon question time difficult to face? How do you cope with it?

Xx

Seven months

It has been seven months.

I think about him more and more these days.

I have come to realise that he is not coming back to us. 

This breaks my heart.

I have been in complete denial, to the point that earlier in the week I saw a Facebook post about their Dad’s passing and I genuinely thought “oh no, it must feel so awful to loose your Dad”. 

Silly me.

I know it is awful.

It’s just not the stab wound I was anticipating…. not for me anyway, more of a long term injury. Gradually the pain is seeping in and will not heal.

I genuinely think about him everyday. 

Oh the things I would tell him if I could, so much is happening. 

Today I feel sad. I haven’t had a sad day in months. I’ve been far too busy to be sad. It’s strange and doesn’t make sense, I know. But it is as I feel it.

I hope you have a productive Saturday 
Xx