I am feeling mega guilty.
It’s way way worse than the grief.
I wasn’t expecting that.
You see as my loved ones struggle the daily struggle I feel these mixed feelings of guilt.
Guilty for not going round enough
But also guilty for worrying so much about others instead of living my life to the full
Guilty for giving hugs and kisses to Jim infront of my Mum
But then guilty for not savouring each and every moment I get to spend with Jim in this short life we have together
Guilty for being so distracted from work that I don’t think about any of this
But also guilty that I am at work and not spending precious time with my Mum and siblings
Guilty that how ever much I give is never going to be enough to stop the hurt and the pain that they feel
But also guilty for not giving more
I definitely could give more. But more to who?
To my Mum?
To my students?
To my friends?
I can’t give it all.
I’m forced to make a daily choice between them all, like a constant seesaw.
Up and down.
Left and right.
I don’t know how to finish this. There isn’t really a conclusion. I just want to try and describe how it’s all settling. I had no idea about all this before, I wonder if I am alone in this feeling?
You guys are all so lovely and are always asking if you can help. If you do want to support us, please give us your time. Invite my loved ones along to things you are doing. It means I can spend time with another with far less guilt.
Thank you for everything 💕