Yesterday I wrote saying I felt really good.
It was true. I do.
But what if I want more than good?
What if I want to feel great?
I can feel good for as long as I let myself feel it.
Good is steady. Good is in the middle. The plateau.
Good doesn’t let in the major lows, but it also doesn’t let in the major highs.
I miss feeling major highs.
You know like dancing the waltz so fast that your feet feel like they are whizzing above the ground, as your partner swings you left 123 right 123, from tippy toes to crown sparkling with glee.
Like watching a heart wrenching love story that cuts you open and reminds you why you are so lucky to feel the same love as the protagonist and for him to feel the same love for you.
Like loosing yourself in sex, so much so that you forget where you are, just two hearts beating in the moment.
Like belting out to ‘Les Miserables – On My Own’ in the bathroom with your eyes closed imagining you are on a West End stage.
Allowing myself to feel great is also allowing myself to feel.
I’m scared of feeling.
But tonight my friends have helped me to realise that good is not good enough for me. I want great. I am willing to cut through all of the hurt to find it-
But it might be ugly.
At least I have the day off work tomorrow! 🙈